Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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