Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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