My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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