My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
