I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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