My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
