Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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