How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Semen is not good for contacts.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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