So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
