Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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