Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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