I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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