Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My Higher Power is John Stamos
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
