Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
