I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
