guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
wanna go halves on a baby?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
and you fell through a lawn chair
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
