Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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