sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize