I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
