tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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