My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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