I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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