Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
