She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
