I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize