I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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