WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Randomize
