cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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