my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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