Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
