Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
