I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
