I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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