I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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