I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize