here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
