Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I touched a dick in church today
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
