I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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