I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
