Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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