I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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