I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My pussy is not your playground.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
