Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
