so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
