Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He better not be in your backpack
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
