before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
