i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize