you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
