News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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