I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Randomize
