after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
