I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
