I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
