here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
