I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
