you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
