she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
