Umm I'm too high to move.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
