ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
