Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
