I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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